The New Normal

I write this post as I begin a new chapter in my life. I write it for 2 primary reasons, 1) to convey to my family what I am going through, and 2) to hopefully provide a sounding board for those that are going through similar events in their lives.

The primary topic: cancer.

I find that my current situation is difficult to talk about. I have the diagnosis, I don't know yet the method of treatment, and I don't know yet what a road to recovery would look like. What I do know right now is that it is difficult to talk about.

For those that know something medically is going on, it is still difficult to talk about. I've not been here before, so I don't know what to say about what this means. I see the reports from the hospital and talk to the doctors, but I have no way to calibrate my situation to others. I have a million questions. What I know is that I see the expressions on the faces of loved ones who want to say something positive and supportive, but they don't know what that is. I don't either. I can only feel their love and support and comfort for the relationships I already have with them. I am blessed by this and don't need more than that. I hope to comfort them in the uncertainty of this situation as much as I want to better understand what may happen next.

For those that don't know anything about my health, it is even more uncomfortable. I am dealing with a ton of shit that probably consumes the majority of my mental energy at any given moment. Someone can simply ask me "hey, how's it going?" or "how was your week-end?" It is easy enough to give a superficial answer back "I am doing fabulous". Or "fantastic". Or "brilliant". Or whatever false front I can put in front of me to mask a bunch of heavy duty churning that is going on. I might as well have a mask. I have even resorted to putting a Pinocchio stick figure into my camera when I am on a Zoom call.  At this point, I just don't have enough information to know what I can and should convey. I do know that - when I get to the point where I am impacting others - those people will know what I am dealing with and I'll have a back-up plan to not leave them scrambling.

So, as of today, July 20, 2020, all I know is that the doctors have data back from my scan to suspect that the prostate cancer that was previously diagnosed may have traveled to my ribs. The experts from Stanford apparently meet to discuss specific cases 3 times a month, so I'll apparently learn more after they meet and recommend a course of action. Those courses could be to 1) either proceed with on the course of either radiation or surgery if they believe the risk of spread is low, or 2) to go through hormone treatment (potentially along with other stuff) if they want to deal with the spread. What I know is that the hormonal treatment is intended to block or suppress the production of testosterone, which is the enemy here. This apparently impacts a whole bunch of stuff that separates males from those that are androngenous, (e.g. facial hair, sexual interest, as well as some memory impact). This scares the shit out of me, and I know less about what this entails, which scares me even more. It scare me, and it scare me for my family.

As of this day, my first reaction is to document what I am going through and to share stuff that would otherwise be the stuff that remains "unsaid". I want to share this experience. I want to stay strong and positive about how I can battle through it. And I want to make sure that others who might be dealing with similar things can echo their feelings against mine.